just when you thought the fear was over

no sooner did i make that last post, when 12 hours later fear struck again. 
i wake up, of course not in a good mood, (still not but hey, nothing knew) and all i want is a peaceful day. nope not here. 
ace is watching "marley and me" and i am sitting there trying to drink my coffee and read when all of a sudden ace screams (the man screams 24/7) "look at lucky's mouth!"
ok i will admit first thought was the normal wtf, shut up and of course he really needs to get over the drama king role.  
i get up and look at lucky's face and sure enough the ride lower lip is red and swollen. really swollen. so i call the vet. duh!! vet is not there on sunday but i get the number to the 24/7 animal hospital. i call and talk to a very nice lady who ask me questions about how lucky is doing, is it painful to touch, eating, drinking breathing etc. 
so far nothing indicates a problem so far since she is doing all of these things and very well. i am told watch her and see what happens. i tell ace what she said and as i am talking i could swear her lip is getting bigger. ok maybe it's the o.c.d nut case in me and it's not happening. humor me if you would. 
ace looks at me and asks what do i want to do. of course i am not making that call here, so i ask him. ace looks at lucky and comments that HE thinks it's getting worse. yeah 2 paranoid people who are seeing the biggest fat lip that is really not there. so i call the animal hospital back and tell them we are coming in. trust me, they needed the warning.  



with in a few minutes we are escorted back to the exam room and the nice nurse ask many questions and exams lucky. she is not seeing anything that indicates lucky is in grave danger.thank goodness here. so far i am doing good. no panic attack. then the nice nurse says something you would never expect. she needs to take lucky's temp. now a normal person would be thinking clearly here about that statement. i am not that person. 
that lady takes that thermometer and sticks it in my poor puppy's butt!! i know that's what they do, but i was not expecting that nor was lucky. lucky and i have have the same thought on this. this area is an exit not an entrance. i have to admit, lucky took this better than i did. 
 doctor sees her and tells us it is an allergic reaction, but she has no idea what it is. give the dog benedryl. that was her answer. she knows she is on the proin but i guess that means nothing here. all she can say is that there is no masses and go benedryl.
fine, we leave head to walgreens and get benedryl. now most people would go liquid, but not me. here i am thinking my dog eats everything so pills would be no problem. 
note to self: problem!!! dogs do not just swallow pills. so we wrap it in cheese, cheese goes well, pill on floor. try cream cheese. goes well, pill on floor. ok final try i stick my finger in the cream cheese and hide the pill. ok now that works. so we try the second pill, smart puppy here, she wants no part of any of it. we try putting it in food, still nothing. 
then ace says to try peanut butter, ok we do and it works. 
after a while things calm down, lucky is doped up and swelling is going down. i try and catch a nap, ace is upstairs, and all is good. dinner time comes and i give her dinner and the proin. an hour later ace looks at her and sees the other side of her lip is swelling so we try more benedryl. my poor baby is now high off benedryl, scared and uncomfortable. and so are we. i finally get her calmed down enough so we can all get some sleep. 
about 3am we hear lucky shaking her head, scratching her little body and running around like she has ants in her in pants. ace and i get up and try everything we can to calm her down. nothing is working so i give her 2 more benedryl's hoping she will sleep. this takes a while to kick in and calm her down. needless to say sleep goes out the window for us. (side note, it doesn't help about this time both ace and i are now sick and thumper comes home from work also sick and 3 people sharing a bathroom is not good.)
morning comes and after a couple hours sleep, lucky wakes and we go out, have breakfast and of course a proin. with in the hour ace screams that her left eye is swelling and call the vet. i call the vet, explain the problem and get put on hold. after a 10 minute hold the nurse comes back and tells me it's an allergic reaction and more benedryl. wtf, is it with these people?? i want answers!!!! fine more benedryl. 
now dinner, bet you can't guess what happens next. yup you guessed it, the right eye is now swollen and this time it's really bad. ace is freaking, i am freaking, lucky is freaking. 
so like any good mommy i do what comes natural, i call the vet and for those who know me, the temper took over here. i repete the story one more time and tell them straight out that i want lucky seen and now!! so away we go. 
we get to the vet, go through the story again, and find out that it sounds like an allergic reaction to the proin. no proin for you! just keeping giving the benedryl and see what happens. well next morning lucky is a letter better and i decide to switch to the liquid instead. i am told that 2 syringes of benedryl will work and sure enough she liked it better.
by thursday she is doing better, no swelling since monday and no proin. i call the vet on thursday to see how much longer, i am told keep the same doses and drop it down to 2 times a day instead of 3. ok no problem.
until friday. now i am already stressed out from the week as so is lucky. i give her the meds before i leave for work and she promptly throws up. so i try it again. i know you are thinking i am od'ing my dog. you are right and i am still not clued in to this. 
thumper shows up at work and i ask how she is. he tells me she ate her breakfast and was ok. i take it as a good sign. duh!!! never listen to thumper, because all was not well. 
we get home and we see she threw up the benedryl again. no more benedryl. so i try and give her dinner. she looks at it and walks away. she is not into it. i finally call the one person who would know what to do. my neighbor shawnda. this woman is the nicest lady you can meet and know everything about dogs. she tells me to leave her be and see what happens in the morning. she might be quesy from all the benedryl. i can not argue this fact.
saturday morning i get woken up from ace, who is in panic mode of course, telling me lucky will not eat. 
i go on line to search out the answers for this one. i find a nice on line vet who i call. she tells me that what is going on is normal and to try a boiled chicken breast and veggie baby food. at this point i will try anything. of course i check this out with shawnda who tells me yes and she will bring over some veggie she uses on her dogs. 
we get the chicken, baby food and the veggie stuff. lucky is in love with this!! 
we also change her food bowls and her mat, so she does not associate being sick with her food. success, lucky eats!!!
it's been a week now, and a stressful one, but we lived threw it. lucky is better, she is in love with her new food, being very playful and all i can think of is how much we love her and can i break this chicken habit at some point?

a dose of fear

just recently i had my first real dose of fear with lucky. ever since she can to live with us, i have worried about her. this is a 24/7 thing with me. to me she is my child and there is nothing i would not do for her. 

lucky has her own little space in the house. some people call it a crate, some a cage, for us it's her room. ace calls it her little house. when she first came to live with us, she was crate trained. over the years, we have kept the cage but let her come and go as she pleases. lucky knows that is her personal space where she can go and sleep, put her toys in, and just hang out in there when she wants away from the human world. 

in the last few months i had noticed that lucky had been urinating in her room. at first i thought it was because of changes our household had, or because we had left her for a week, or that we had thrown her off her schedule by being late coming home. 

i called the vet who also agreed with me and said to keep an eye on the frequency she was urinating in her room. after a while it stopped and lucky was acting like herself. still lovable, playing, eating everything she could, and of course never stopped stalking her boyfriend bo next door.

one day last month, she was laying next to me and i was stroking her as always and i noticed a small lump on her left side. i freaked!!! oh come on, if it was your baby you would too. hell, if it was a lump on you, you would freak out all the same.

i told ace who did not seemed concerned nor could he feel it. note to self here: do not mention this to a husband who is also half asleep.

i called the doctor, who is now on a first name basis with me, and asked what it could be. i know simple thing would be to just make an appointment but given my fear and mistrust of all doctors, i did not want to put lucky through any needless office visits if i could help it. don't get me wrong, she is not the kind of dog who dislikes going to the vet. she loves going. she thinks it's some kind of treat to go in the car and see the vet. this is the girl who walks in on all fours and goes straight behind the desk to say hello to everyone and then to every other person and dog. little miss meet and greet.

the vet, dr. k, was so nice about the call and said that it could be a lot of things. mostly in lucky's type of breed and age group they form fatty tissue and this is probably what it is.

well one of the nurses who is also related to a co-worker of mine, offered to stop by on her way home and check the lump out for me. lucky for me (no pun intended) she lives a few miles away. while since i am at work, and i do know this woman, i said sure go ahead.

well, after she played with lucky, took her out, gave her a treat, she called me on my cell and said it is a fatty tissue lump and not to worry. one worry down, a another one to go.

soon after this, we would come home from work and the house would stink of urine. we would find that lucky urinated in her room on her blankets, on the carpet in various places and any other place she could find. now i have always known she has had a small bladder since birth,she will urinate when she got too excited,  and that her former family never really walked her, they would make her go in their house cause they were ass bags and could not be bothered. after she came to us, that would hardly happen. we re-trained her and all was well. now this was becoming a daily habit. and one i was not enjoying here.

i was the one who would do the cleaning up, the blanket washing and the gagging. ace would have helped, but the o.c.d in me had to do it.

at first we thought thumper (another story for another time) who lives in the extra bedroom upstairs was not taking her out. my wonderful neighbor, shawnda, would tell me when he was home or not and if she saw lucky out by the fence. remember lucky likes to stalk bo so she feels it's her right to go straight to the fence. she would also come over and take lucky out just because she wanted to. got to love that woman!!!!!

anyway, after a week of this i decided to do a little internet surfing on the subject of bladder control and urinary tract infections in dogs. i also called my sister who is the queen of doggie bladder infections since her dog lucy, has one every other month.

my sister told me the signs to look for and lucky had none of them. so i went surfing on the internet for bladder control and i found the information i needed.

lucky had the signs of bladder control loss and i found a site that had "natural" meds to help control this. i would have whipped out the credit card right there and spent the $50.00 plus shipping and handling for her but i wanted a second opinion. so i called ace to come downstairs and look. he agreed that this could be a problem, but to call the vet and make sure it was safe. thank goodness i asked. he did have a point, could this be the problem, would this be safe? i had no idea. and like any mother i did not want to give her something that would make her ill.

the o.c.d in me had to know and i needed to know now!!!! so first thing in the morning, i went to straight to the vet's on the way to run some errands. yes i could have just called, but i wanted a face to face discussion here. i got to the office and i explained to the nice nurse what the problem was. she was such a sweetheart!! she listened, asked questions, wrote everything down and said that dr.k was with other dogs and would call me when she is done. i was ok with that. i know she would call a.s.a.p she always does and she did. no sooner did i get to wall mart when my cell rang. she said it does sound like a control problem but being the over protective one she is, she wanted to see lucky first and do a urine test to rule out infection. i have to admit i started to shake and the panic attack set in. infection?? lucky has always been healthy so this was freaking me out. i said ok how soon can we schedule and the soonest i could get was the following saturday.

for the week, i freaked on and off. panic attacks were coming in fast and the worst part was i could feel lucky's pain and embarassment about this. you can tell she was not happy and i could see those little sweet brown eyes tear up when i had to clean after her.

and anyone reading, if and when you meet lucky, please do not mention this to her.

finally saturday comes and i timed this so she would give up the pee at the office. like a good girl she happily gave it up.

dr. k comes in and we go over everything. i am shooting off questions so fast i would have smacked me if i was the doctor. she was so nice about everything. she played with lucky, felt her body, double checked the lump (still fatty tissue) and decided a blood test would be a good idea just to rule out everything.

ok i will admit this, i turned green when she said the word blood. the very idea, while writing this, makes me sick. i can not deal with my own blood. i get green when i have to do my own blood test every 6 months. dr. k, bless her heart, noticed this and said she would take lucky in the other room. since i promised lucky a spa day if she was a good girl, they did her mani/pedi and a bath while we waited for the pee test.

off she went and off went the panic attack in full force. now smart thing would be to calm down, maybe text ace, take a xanx or two. right?? yeah, no, i could not think straight enough for that. i just held it together praying that lucky is ok.

lucky walks back in the room, all happy and pretty like nothing is wrong. dr. k tells me that the urine test is negitive for bladder infection. ok good, now what???

well i hear the dreaded words "we wait until the blood test come back". wait?? i do not wait. i don't wait well. i need to know and i want to know now. since the doctor has been so nice, i do not have the heart to scream those words at her. i do ask when. monday.

monday?? that's 2 days away!!! well, i have no choice so i wait. i go pay the bill and have sticker shock. $170 for pee and blood??? omg!!! i don't cost that much!!! wait, i have insurance that takes care of that one. note to self: find pet insurance!!!

thankfully my credit card goes through and off we go. i get back in the car a loose it. i am crying and crying hard. lucky looks at me as if i am nuts ( i am and admit to it) and rest her little head on my lap.

so for the next 2 days i wait as best i can. i keep it together and pray.

ok hello monday, vet opens at 8am and here i am thinking " i will give her until 10 and i call". prayers more than answered her because good old dr. k calls at 9:30 with good news.

lucky's blood is fine. there is nothing wrong with her but yes she is at the begining of bladder control. she is almost 8 (january 27th for anyone who wants to wish her happy birthday) 54 in dog years, yes i checked, and have been fixed. this will happen. so now lucky has to take a 1/2 of a pill every 12 hours and for the rest of her life. something i can live with. what is surprising is that all i have to say is "lucky have a treat, want a treat?" and she takes that pill with out a fight. and of course wants more. she sees that blue bottle and thinks this is great.

it's been almost a week now and she is doing better. we have come home and no accidents, no smell, nothing to clean and she looks and seems happier.

i know this is the begining of things to come. dogs are not people and where i will do anything for her to keep her with me, i know a time will come.

do i panic over this? hell yes! i loose sleep and have many panic attacks over this. i love my puppy. and as you can see in the picture above, a spoiled rotten puppy lives here. and i am proud of this!!!!

snoozer girl after her check up and spa day.

the thanksgiving dinner from hell!!!!

november 26th, 2009 was to be a day of thanks. instead it was the day from hell.
the day did not start off well. i awoke from a few hours sleep, due to ace's sleepwalking/slash eating moment, and in a cranky mood. for those who know me, a few hours sleep makes for an unhappy me. i got up and walked into the kitchen and ace and i promptly started to fight.
i will spare the words used but will go to the end result at the time was, "fine don't come with me to my folks!". this was from ace.
at the time i was thrilled and thought about what a nice evening alone i was going to have. i spent the morning drinking coffee and reading a book. a few hours later, after ace's shower, he asked me if i was going to get ready. i asked for what and he had asked if i was going with him to dinner. i will not deny i thought about saying no but when his next statement was "you want me to go with you to your family." i said i would go.
we get to his parents house at 3:30pm. we figure that if we get there early that dinner would follow in an hour and we could make an early escape. you know what they say about the best laid plans.....
everyone has arrived, sister in law, friend of family, kids, cousin, cousin's friend and aunt. of course out of boredom i start facebooking it up on my phone providing amusing status and updates to my gang. of course this brings up the "who are you texting?" from my father in law. i ignore it and keep going while keeping up with the conversation. i looked at my watch and notice the time, it's getting close to 5pm and i am starting to wonder about dinner. i hear my mother in law start the mixer for the mash potatoes and say something about finishing the veggie and sweet potatoes. now i am getting scared. why is she waiting until now and what the hell was this woman doing???
now let me explain why i am getting upset. i have chrons and during the week i keep a very strict schedule. finish eating by 6pm, meds by 730pm and bedtime by 9pm. weird i know but it keeps me alive and from having an attack the next morning.
the next words we hear from the kitchen are from my father in law yelling " the bird is not done. it will be at least another half hour." what?? is he kidding?? ok now i am getting pissed. so i text ace asking him what is going on, i need to eat or forget it and say something.
he texts back ok he will. yes this is something i could have whispered since he was next to me and with big ears around this was better. ace then yells out to his dad that i need to eat by 6 or i can not eat. that brings the mother in law in screaming "what? why? i was not told this?" for the record, she did know. she has always know. i have had chrons for 3 years so don't give me the innocent party routine.
i can tell she feels bad but hey so do i!! i am hungry and have not eaten all day!! well then she offers me everything she knows i can't eat and do not like. for example, cranberry sauce, mashed and sweet potatoes, green veggies and the kicked green jello. i look at her nicely and say thank you but i am fine and not to worry. i just can not eat stuff i do not like. sorry.
ace then texts me saying we should leave and go to omega. not a bad idea, right??
at this point we here it's ready. now to most that would mean go to the table, correct?
no that just means bird is done, still needs to cut the stupid thing, put everything in a bowl and to the table. that is another production alone.
it is now 623pm and we finally sit down for dinner. they say grace ( jewish here, so i just sit politely) and we begin the 'pass it around". this is also a production because the kids are screaming they want this or that, father in law is screaming for something, it's just a mess.
mother in law finally gets to sit down and looks at me and says, "isn't there anything you can eat? i was not told this. why can't you eat?" ok, we covered this an hour ago and she asked again. i was going to say something very sarcastic but the leg kicking my left leg under the table prevented that one. instead i was nice and went through the song and dance one more time.
whether or not she understood, i have no idea and at this point do not really care. i just want to eat a little stuffing and finish this meal. this whole eating thing takes all of 20 minutes and we are done. for all the time spent waiting, this is it???
now it's time to clean up the mess. the inlaws and the aunt start with the dishes while the rest of us go back to the living room and wait for desert. the texting war between me, ace and his sister continue and let's not forget i still feel the need to facebook it up.
i text ace and ask him how soon. he texts back as soon as he finishes his coffee. cool, wonderful, awesome!!! in the middle of the war mother in law dear comes in and asks again if i want food. she still does not get it. so ace pipes up we will take some home. this does not go over well with me. i have seen how this "let's pack left over" thing works. another production. decide how much, decide what to put it in, decide who gets what, then look for the containers, then find something to put the containers in..... it's an endless battle.
i was surprised when she comes back into the room in a few minutes with a full bag ready to go.
it's now close to 730 and we have been waiting for desert we are not planning on having for almost an hour now. ace decides it's time to go. yippeee!!!!! home, here i come!!!
we get up and get our coats when ace looks at me and says that i should take my meds now and not wait. ok, good idea. well i do my normal routine and there is one pill i take out that you don't want your inlaws to know about nor do you bring into a catholic household.
i will spare you the what. i am sure you probably guessed and you are correct. i have the pill in my hand and it's heading towards my mouth when i hear the words with the horror attached, " what is that and why is it in my house?". you think i just brought a grenade in or something they way she freaked out. all i hear are the words, i never stopped to think what i am taking nor did i realize she was right behind me. before i could say something, ace pops up with a doozy of a comment. " mom if she doesn't take it, she could die.".
well, not really, but it was good and i was proud. ace doesn't say much, nor does he say things like that to his mom but when he does things like this, it reminds me why i love him.
so i carry on and take out bottles that i don't need and the next comments is, "that's a lot of medicine. do you really need to take all that?". duh, lady yes i do. i look at her, zipped the magic pill bag and say, " keeps me alive.". rude maybe but she had it coming to her.
the then final act. the one that you know is coming but never think it would actually happen.
the moment when you know you just got blamed for everything and had nothing to do with it.
my father in law walks into the kitchen and asked my mother in law if she got pictures. guess she was to take pictures. that prompted the response, " no i didn't. i was too rushed to get dinner on the table."
on that note, the escape was made and we left.
i waited until we were in the car and away from the house when i looked at ace and said, "i know this was not your fault. i do not blame you. but now i hope you can understand why i can not stand a production of things and why going to my family's house is easier. jews cook and we cook for days (ok not me since i don't and won't). food is ready and warning up when you get there. you wait maybe a half hour tops. desert is right away. no waiting."
i finally got the response i was waiting for from him. " honey you are right."
finally a happy thanksgiving.

when did i get to be 40?

i can not believe i am going to be 40 in 25 days (according to the birthday calender on my facebook page). when did the happen? how??? 10 years ago at this time i was suicidal about turning 30. i freaked out, had a bad relationship and was depressed. i had never thought i would see 30. don't ask why i had that thought running in my head, i just did.
when you are in your 20's you never think about turning 30, 40 etc. all you think about is the "now". i thought about the "now" and thought i would be married or rich or something by the time i was 30. alas, that was not the case.
the last 10 years have been an amazing and strange journey. i lost family members, got married, caught chrons and ms, had surgery and became an aunt. funny thing on the way to 40, i grew up. i finally became an adult and took responsibility for my self. something i never thought would happen.
when i got sick in 2005, i did not think i would live to see 40. now as i get closer, i am actually am excited about it. most of all i am grateful for everything that i went through. it made me a better person, happier (well 95% of the time.) and i am alive.
ok and i will not deny, better looking. i see all my friends i went to high school with and all i can think is that "wow, we all look damn good for 40!"
here's to 40, it's actually going to be great!!

october 10, 2004

this date was not the greatest day of my life. it was the saddest. it was on this day 5 years ago that my dad died.
i feel that today i should write something is his memory.
the day he died was very strange, as if we all knew something was going to happen.
my mom had gone to the rehab facility to be with dad, i was home getting ready, my sister was also home and my so was my aunt. the 3 of us took our time getting ready to go.
i remember that the night before we had all finally agreed that dad was never going to come out of his coma and that we needed to face the fact that vital organs were starting to slow down. it was now a matter of time.
that afternoon i said to paul before i left that i didn't want to go and i didn't want dad to go to hospice. logical paul, had replied that maybe i should stay home. i said no i had to go and off i went. he offered to come with me but i said no that this was something i needed to do alone.
on my way there my cell phone was ringing off the hook. first mom wondering where i was, my sister telling me she was on the way and my aunt asking if i was there and if dad had been moved. this was all in a span of 10 minutes. my sister and i arrived with in a few minutes of each other. mom asked where we had been. i had said i didn't want to come so i took my time, my sister said since my brother in law was in florida on business she decided to make a quick stop at crate and barrell. this is how much we wanted to put this off.
i remember my sister asking me if i had heard from our father's sister. i said yes she said she was on the way. in my aunt's time that could mean any second or 2 hours. she ran on her own time. the doctor came in and examined dad and said his blood pressure had dropped and the ambulance was here to move dad to hospice. we said our goodbyes to dad and said we loved him and to be good in the ambulance.
we then started the caravan to the hospice center. the ambulance, mom, me and my sister bringing up the rear.
while i was following mom, i did my normal flip the radio stations. i write this because the oddest thing happen while i did that. it seemed like every station was playing tim mc graw's song "live like you were dying". i first heard the song the day dad went into the hospital and every single time i was on my way to visit. now i was hearing it multiple times in a short drive. i had come to think of it as dad's song because it was so much like him.
in between songs, my cell rang and it was my aunt asking me where we all were. i assumed she had left and got the message to go straight to the hospice center, but no she was still home and hadn't check her messages or her cell. i told her where we were and she said she was leaving right now and would be there in 10 minutes. another 10.
we got to the hospice center and we were escorted up to the waiting room next to what would be dad's room. it was now 5pm.
we had just sat down when i looked up and saw dad on the gurney right outside. i swear for the first time he looked at all of us and knew who we were and where. i nudged my sister who nudged mom and we all said hi to dad. we told him we loved him and that to be nice to the nurses when the moved him into bed. then he was wheeled away. that was the last time we saw him alive.
10 minutes passed and i voiced how long it was taking. then a nurse came in, looking like she had saw a ghost, and asked for dad's family. we asked how he was and the nurse blurted out that he was dead. she didn't mean to say it like that or to be cruel. she was just freaked out how quickly he passed away. she told us he was gone. i, in my normal sarcastic way, said she was kidding, that we just saw him and he was alive.
this poor woman looked like she was going to pass out. she started to tell us that they had gotten him into the bed and she had started to check vitals, which were ok, and had turned her back, just for a second and all of a sudden the room was strangely quite. she turned and looked at my dad and he was gone and already turning the color of death. she had never seen anything like that before. my sister looked like "yeah whatever" my mom looked like she didn't hear what was said and me, well i believe in the strange and un-natural.
we went into his room and he was already cold and stiff as if he had been gone for hours.
we cried, we held him and we were sad.
while we were waiting for shalom to come and get dad, i looked at my sister and said that our aunt was in the building and someone should go talk to her before a nurse tells her.
my sister looked at me like if i was hearing things or something but said she would go and for me to stay with mom.
i will never forget the blood chilling scream my aunt let out as she saw my sister's face. i don't think my sister ever uttered a word at that moment. my aunt walked in and as much as i wanted to say "where in hell have you been?" i couldn't. she walked towards her brother and did something i never thought i would see, she kissed him on the cheek and said she loved him and was sorry. then my uncle walked over and did the same.
we sat there all together as if we were waiting for dad to wake and say "just kidding" but that wasn't going to happen. instead we sat and started to plan his funeral and who would call who. my aunt asked about what time he had died and i said about 10 after 5. another 10.
we were discussing dates, and realized we had to wait until wednesday because my brother in law could not get a flight out until the morning to come home, my aunt and uncle in florida had to make arrangements for my grandmother's care, a flight and a place to stay.
my aunt asked what the date would be and then what was today's date, and i said it was the 10th. her eyes went wide and she said next month grandma rose (dad's mom, her mom) would be gone a year.
we realized then a few things, dad died because he missed grandma, it was exactly 11 months, exactly 2 months after his birthday, it will then set off a pattern of the family passing away on the 10th, and it will be a day we will forever dread and mourn.

the jew and the catholic

i am sure about now you are dying to know how ace and i ever got together. if you're not, humor me and pretend you do. thanks.

as i have said before life is not a fairy tale. you do not meet someone, fall madly in love and live happily ever after. i have dated a lot of guys and had a lot of blind dates. none of which ever worked out in my favor. i had gotten to the point that is was better to be alone or just date once in a while then get your heart broken time after time. i would watch my girlfriends go out and practically start planning a wedding before the check was paid. and of course by the time the check was paid it was practically over for them. so why would i want to keep subjecting myself to that? i didn't. i would do a dinner or lunch and leave it at that. sometimes i would see the guy for a few weeks and end it before i got hurt.
you the know the old saying when you least expect it, expect it.

february 14Th 2003 i met ace. we were both working in the mall, he the restaurant and me one of the stores. i went into the restaurant to have a break and saw him standing there. no it was not love at first sight. more like mutual sarcasm. i was in a bad mood to begin with because it had been a hellish day watching people buy valentine gifts, and my boss was being a raving bitch. i went in and sat there waiting for a few minutes for him to ask if i wanted anything. finally i looked at him and said "hey spiky, can i get a glass of water or do i need to go behind the bar and get it myself?"
you could see the surprise in his eyes that someone said that to him and i guess it pissed him off because the response i got back was "get off your ass and get it yourself". had i wanted something more than water his tip would have gone down the drain with that remark.
so i proceeded to get off my ass and get a drink. seeing this shocked him, i guess he really didn't think i would do it. so with that he went and got me a glass of water.
still in a bad mood and made worse by ace, i proceeded to at least drum up some business so my raving bitch boss would get off my case for the rest of the night. i started to talk to him and ask questions. for those who know me, i do make friends well and being in customer service for a long time, i know when and how to strike up a conversation.
i asked if he had a girlfriend. talk about an ice breaker! ace looked shocked and was speechless for a moment. i don't think he was expecting that question. he looked at me and asked "what do you consider a girlfriend?"
now i am speechless. what in the hell did he think i meant? so i said "are you dating anyone?'
he looked at me and said kind of. ok now i am thinking what is kind of. you are or your not.
here is how this went:
me: " it's valentine's day. do you have a girlfriend that you need a gift for?"
him: " well, i have only been back here for a month and met this girl, we're not serious or anything and i have only gone out with her a couple times."
me: "then you don't have a girlfriend. you have dates."
him: "why do you want to know?"
me: "well if you were dating someone special then i would recommend a gift for her. but if it's not serious then i would just say get a nice card and maybe candy."
him: "why do you even care?"
me: " i need this business and i don't see you getting a diamond or something for someone you hardly know."
him: "well i am kind of in a transition period. i was living with this girl in peoria but we broke up and i just moved back home. so this isn't anything big, just someone to hang out with."
me: " that's nice. well since you're not buying, i need to get back. so see ya around."

and with that i walked out. for the next month i would go in and out of the bar during my breaks and would see ace. we would chat and flirt a bit but i never thought anything past that. well one day in march i was being hounded that our store need more credit apps. since i had pretty much tapped everyone in the mall, i figured, i need a smoke and ace was there, so perfect fresh meat.
i walk in and told him to fill this out. he was in the middle of the lunch rush and said he didn't have time. i told him to give me his driver's license and i would fill it out. when i was done i gave him his license and said sign this. he had no idea what i was doing so he actually read the app. he looked at me and said " i have no credit. this won't get approved."
i told him i could care less, that all i need was the stupid thing filled out and by the way i needed a phone number. he supplied the information and while i was walking out he yelled " sneaky way to get my phone number!" i yelled back "don't worry, i promise never to use it."

the weekend before st. patty's day, i stopped in the bar after work with a friend and had drinks and dinner. ace was working the dining room but stopped by the bar to say hi. we chatted a bit and then he asked me if i wanted to go out that night. i did not take this seriously. i mean who would? so we paid the check and left.
monday, st. patty's day, he was working the bar and i walked in and he asked what happen saturday night. why did i leave? i explained i did not think he was serious so i left. turns out he was and asked if i wanted to go out for st. patty's day. i said maybe, let's see what happens after we get off work. i figured that would give me time to think of an excuse to get out of it. well 9pm rolls around and he meets me outside to make plans. i said i would go for a drink but that's it. i had to work the next day. he said ok but then i would have to drop him off at home. i asked where home is. he tells me clarendon hills. thinking that is a far distance i said how about some other time. he was ok with that and asked about tomorrow night instead. i said that would be better since i was off on wednesday.

now it's the next night and we end up at his favorite bar and it karaoke night. we sit, order and start to get to know each other. i find out he is only 27 ( to my 34, little cradle robbing here), was once engaged but a few weeks before the wedding (his parents hated the girl and did not support this one) he finds her with his best man, lived with a weirdo he met on line in peoria, just moved back home with his parents, traveled with some band called phish ( like a deadhead or something), been in the navy, has a college degree in art history (not much you can do with that one but hey, better than nothing), and can sing!!! who knew???
what surprised me was how much he had done is such a short span of time. and yes, i did check all this out and it was all true. go figure. anyway, we sat, talked, i listen to him sing, and finally i said i had to go. apparently he had a different plan. he wanted to come home with me and finish "talking". now i am not let's do it on the first date girl. this was not my intention here. but for some reason he was very insistent and i agreed. i also had to get up in the morning to drive him back since he was opening the next morning.
we get back to my place and continued talking. yes really talking. finally i said if i didn't get some sleep soon, he would have to find another way home. so i stuck him on the couch and said, "if you move any part of your body off this couch for any reason and i mean any reason, or come near my room, i will kill you and bury you in the back yard. and i seriously doubt that anyone would miss you, let alone look for you."
the fear was now installed. it did work, he never moved an inch.
from the on he was always there. no matter what i did, he stuck. right now as of this writing i would like to unstick that glue and dump his worthless ass. i would delete that statement but i don't want to. i am happy i started this, cause at least i can vent and maybe someone can help me out there.
anyway, this is how we ended up together. one date and together since. and yeah there are days, like this one that i wish i never met him let alone married him.
maybe i will tell you about it one day. but this proves the real world does suck.

just a small town girl.....

ok i am not really a small town girl. i lived in chicago until i was 8 and then the burbs until i move out here in, as i like to say, hicksville. i really am more of a north shore brat. or maybe just a fan of the 'burbs. in any case, i am sure you are sitting wondering, "if she hates it out there why did she move?"
good question and one i ask my self every second of every day. i chalked it up to being young, dumb, stupid. ace chalks it up to getting married in a few months, lease up on our apartment 3 days after we got married and we had to hurry and find a place to live. ok so his excuse is a bit lame but it does get him through the long 50 mile to work drive (one way by the way).
we did not really plan of living in a small town 50 miles from work, 55 from his family and almost 80 to mine. well, you know what they say the best plans goes haywire.
this started with pouring through the paper and a stupid realtor. we wanted a place near
where we were at but due to the fact taxes were high and we had a budget to stick too, that was becoming the impossible dream. personally i really had a vision of what kind of house i wanted but there was nothing our price range for the vision.
once day ace was working a saturday and one of our co-workers was cruising the Internet looking for a house for her and her fiance. yes, i know dunning work don't do that blah blah etc. anyways they both saw what looked like a nice house with most of what we were looking for. note to self here, do not believe a picture.
well he comes home with a print out and says we should look at it. so i call the realtor and we make plans to see it the next day.
we get up go do the 50 mile schelp to sandwich. yes there is a small in illinois called sandwich. at the time the drive seemed ok and we find the realtor and set off to look at the house in question. as we are driving i see all these houses that look like crap outside. and i sit here and think "no way is my family ever coming". we are talking small town and ugly as hell.
we see this house and first thing i see is a mouse, no closet space and the main bathroom is upstairs in the bedroom. smack dap in the middle of the bedroom. and the kicker the 1/2 bath mentioned, well that consisted of toilet with no doors right in the middle of the dinning/laundry room. no joke. veto right then and there.
for the next few weeks we look, we schelp into sandwich and all i see is a bunch of crap houses that are ugly, no closets (which, how you you people live with out one?), no anything that would make me happy. finally it is now a month and half before the wedding and time is something we have none of so a decision needs to be made. on this last weekend we go see two prospects. the first one was a big as my walk in closet. so no can do here. one down, one to go. we drive up towards house #2 and i am falling in love. at least what i thought we were here to see. color my stupid, not even close. we were here to see the house next door.
i was in shock and not happy but going inside was a different matter. which teaches, do not judge the book by the cove. the inside was nice. cleaner and better than anything else i saw. ok the kitchen has no dishwasher, and the bedroom closet will not hold all my shoes and clothes, but it was clean and decorated to what i liked. so we make the offer and get the house.
the house had problems that were not mentioned until after the papers were signed.
for example, nobody said the basement floods, there is a well that would need to be primed when the power goes out, new plumbing,(where? their new house), the well primer thing is older than dirt, and the kicker no a/c. or heat vents upstairs. i know next question is "were was the building inspector?" he was there, and he did inspect. who know that he was a fraud inspector! we were not there when he came and left it to our wonderful real state agent.
yeah dumb ass mistake there. not to mention that part of our property was sold the the guys next door to build the house (house i should have had) next door.
we find this all out 2 weeks after we finished signing and started to move our crap in.
now let's keep in mind i am doing this before the wedding. 3 weeks to be exact and at this point i am not a bridezilla, i am a fucking lunatic who is trying to pack up an apartment, keep tabs on wedding details, pack for a honeymoon, arrange for the truck the day we get home from our honeymoon, make sure someone is taking care of lucky, holding my tongue not to kill my future mother in law who wants some stupid thing at the chruch, going through hoops so we can get married in the chruch for his family, keeping my family from having a meltdown with that one, and still go to work and be nice to customers. oh and let's not forget my future x cousin in law deciding to have a massive coronary and dying 2 days before my bridal shower. yes i know that is mean, but that's another story for you to read.
after all this, it is no wonder i was getting sick.
like i tell people this all seemed like a good idea at the time. we were so busy looking for a house we could afford and worry about the wedding that we never looked at the town, took stock where the major stores i need in life are, or that the winters here could kill a person.
i never had a house, i had apartments were people fix things for you and they worried about the garbage, the heat and water.
one month into this house and we realized this was not good. i have to drive 10 miles for walgreens, 15 to wall mart and a million for anything else. the roads are not plowed right away so driving in the winter you are taking your life in your hands. nobody ever wants to visit ( i know i do not like people in my house but still....) and since we drive 50 miles one way to work, i don't want to drive and see anyone.
so i spend my days with ace and lucky and with my best friend the laptop. i do miss the burbs. i miss having a mall 5 minutes from me, i miss the bagel store, and i miss an all night walgreens with 24 hour pharmacy service.
then the kicker, we get sued for back taxes on a house we did not live in for land that was sold off and never accounted for. great huh? we could have also counter sued the previous owners for the false inspection report on the plumping, which costs $8,000 to to redo when the main pipe that is older than this town blew, but due to ace's big heart he just couldn't do it. so the mortgage company pays the taxes since they did not do their research, and instead of being on easy street we spent our savings on new plumbing.
i know you are now asking did i get estimates for this and why so much? yes i got 7 of them and the entire plumbing on the house was never up to code. each plumber said the same thing, but scott was the lowest bid and the quickest. little plug here: O'Neil plumbing in Plano.
they rock!!!! and our building/fraud inspector, doing 10 in jail and might just use him again if i ever find someone dumb, young and stupid enough to buy this place. just kidding on using him again.
so this is how i am now a small town girl, living in a lonely world and broke as a joke.

remeber this?

i am sitting here working on my blogs and catching up when i realized what was on t.v.
i looked up and saw that flashdance was on tv. i have seen that movies a million times. i know it word for word, had the soundtrack, and most of all remember when i saw it and how that night my life changed.
it was july 1982 on a summer sunday night when i walked into the theater with by friend, julie.
we were at the old orchard movie heater and it was opening weekend of the movie. i remember her mom had dropped us off and my mom was picking us up. at the time i had no idea my grandfather was being taken to the hospital while jennifer beales was acting and her body double was dancing.
we get out and we see julie's mom. i was a bit dumbfounded of why she was there and were in the heck was my own mother. julie's mom said that they had taken my grandfather to the hospital because he broke his shoulder. i really did not think anything was wrong at the time and we drove home chatting about the movie. when i got home no one was there, which i thought was a bit strange but sill unfazed i went to sleep.
the next morning my mom comes in to wake me and told me that grandpa was in the hospital, he did hurt his shoulder and kept him over night for observation. for some reason i got the feeling that mom was not telling me everything. at the time she was telling me this, my grandfather had just finished speaking to my grandmother and as he hung up the phone he had a heart attack. he was stabilized and on the way to i.c.u when he had a coronary.
this was the beginning to the end.
for the next four weeks he lived in the hospital. we were all there everyday and this is how i learned to be a professional hospital visitor. at 12 1/2 i had my role in the hospital.
we would sit with grandpa, telling him funny stories, reading all of his get well cards that poured in and praying he would come home soon. for a while it did look like he would. then one day i think he overheard my grandmother and my father's sister say that he would never practice dentistry again. i think once he heard that he lost all will to live.
my grandfather was in his 80's and still cleaning and pulling teeth. he had worked that friday before he went to the hospital. while he was there he had 2 hear attacks, 1 coronary and a stroke which left his right side of the body somewhat paralyzed. with the left shoulder broken and no function on the right, there would be no more cleaning and pulling.
it was a tuesday night. tuesday august 9th to be exact and julie had called to see if i wanted to go see flashdance with her again. i said no and just wanted to stay home. my parents were having an argument because my dad lost his car keys and no clue where they were. finally they left to the hospital. about an hour later my dad came back and was still looking for his keys. i don't know if they were found, i just remember him being upset and did not answer my question how grandpa was or where was mom. then he left again.
another hour passes and my mom and cousin jancie walked in the house. first my mom asked if dad was here and i told her what happen. she asked me if he said anything and i said no and what is going on. janice and mom told me and my sister grandpa had just died.
they told us that we were all going to my grandmother's and maybe dad would be there.
from what i was told dad was the last one in the room when grandpa took his last breath.
with that he walked out and walked home. my dad did not say a word when he came home nor did he tell my mom he was leaving.
i remember going to my grandmother's and dad was there. that's when it struck me, today was august 9th and my father's birthday was the next day.
from that time on when ever i see flashdance, i think of that night and the weeks after.
it's weird what you remember from childhood. i still remember the last time i saw my grandfather, he was in his coffin and they shaved his little moustache off. from them on seeing a relative in a coffin would forever freak me out. so a good movie has some bittersweet memories.
the first movie i saw was with my grandmother. grease with john travolta and olivia newton-john. i was about 7 or 8 and my sister was 5 when grandma took us to see it.
i know that was probably not the best movie to take a child too but in those days pg 13 did not exist. i remember the big tub of popcorn she got us to share. we had a good time that day. i remember grandma falling asleep durning the movie too.
grease is on after flashdance tonight and my childhood is running through my head.

marriage and the holidays

when you get married you inherit a whole other family. and when you are a mixed marriage like i am it should help make the holidays easier, right? WRONG! for me it makes it worse.
first there is the problem of thanksgiving. now i know the simple solution would be for me to host it and invite both families. but since i do not like people in my house, nor do i like to cook and my sister in laws kids are hoodlums so that is not an option here. i remember the hell my mom went through when it came time for the holidays. she hated going to my grandparent's house for a friday night dinner let alone a holiday.
since my dad died we really didn't do a family dinner together. my sister would take my mom with her and end up at her mother in laws. thanksgiving of 2007 i was in the hospital and ace did not want to go to his parents alone. he went and stayed all of 5 minutes and went home.
the following year we were at my cousin marci's house. mainly because she wanted to do it, lenny, her hubby, is a great cook, and i was on the road to recovery. when we left marci's that night she said she wanted to host thanksgiving the following year because it would be my nephew's first one. so we went. not the best thanksgiving but a normal one as far as family is concerned. of course ace and my father's sister did have words as she had with everyone that night. when my mother in law had asked us about being with her, we had already committed to marci's. so we got the catholic guilt from her, so now here it comes again and now it's no choice, we go to his family.
it is a rare time when my family gets together for a holiday now. we all have are own lives and not everyone is in the same city let alone state. so when the offer comes up it becomes a fight sometimes with ace to be with my family. don't get me wrong, he likes my family, but i can tell that he rather be with his.
my family is different. when we get together anything goes. we have been know to have major drawn out battles over the smallest detail. it is an adventure that he is not use too.
we are a loud bunch and talk over everyone. his family does not do battle over who is passing the veggies and his mom will resort to the catholic in her to keep peace while his dad comes up with some corny joke. what is funny is with my family the children are quite and ask politely to leave the dinner table and help clear the table without being told too. we eat all our food, ask politely for seconds and never ever get loud. at my mother in laws my 2 nieces and my nephew are the opposite and hearing them makes me want to slap them silly. i know that is bad but they are out of control when they are there and really have no table manners.
maybe it is the times we live in because all the have a cell phone at the table or maybe they spend more time with my in laws then they do with their parents. however it amazes me that my 17 month old nephew has better table manners than 3 children who are 10, 13 and 15.
my sister decided to host the first night of rosh hannah, which is the jewish new year. i agreed to go because it is the jewish new year, there is no passover seder involved with mazoh, my sister is cooking, i get to see my nephew, and my father's sister will not be there.
always a plus since we do not all get along. when i told ace this he freaked and got all pissy.
of course that made me mad. hence the next of a thousand fights over family dinners.
i tried to calmly explain (something i am not really good at.) it would be after work and on a friday night which would be easier, and we would leave work early. (something i thought would be the clincher) well, he wasn't in the mood for logic and i wasn't in the mood for an attitude, so i finally screamed that he didn't have to go, i would go myself somehow, and next family dinner at his mother's house would be with out me.
while he went back upstairs to digest that one, i sat downstairs starting to write this. i sat there thinking that maybe i was too harsh, then i slapped myself for thinking that. i was not being unreasonable, for once i wanted to go to be with my family for one of my holidays. after several lame excuses to come downstairs, my darling husband finally asked if i was mad at him. yes sometimes he is a bit dense. i must have gave him the death look from hell because he started to shake a bit and said he would love to go to my sister's.
i may have won this battle, but there will never be a winner in the war between families and holidays. there has to be a compromise somewhere and a few threats. maybe one day i will host a holiday, if i ever learn to cook, make sure there is a disclaimer at the door so i do not get a arrested for killing people with my cooking, and have my head examined.
until that time comes we will do our best to bounce back and forth and hope for the best.
happy new year!

a little admendment to lucky

just wanted to add on something about lucky.
although she knows how loved she is, she has recently abandon some of her family time to stalking. she now sits on the top of the couch like a cat starring out the window at her new boyfriend. his name is bo and he is a 2 year old yellow lab. he has a older sister a black lab, maggie. lucky spends her time watching bo and maggie. they are her new best friends.
and in addition to watching them she spends many hours watching out the other window.
she is head of the neighborhood watch.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

once upon a time....
that is how all fairy tales start and often end with and they lived happily ever after. we are told these stories as little girls and we sit and have pretend weddings, thinking every boy we meet is "mr. right", doodle their name with ours in our school notebooks. we dream of the "perfect wedding" and the wonderful life that we heard in fairy tales, seen in movies and told to us by mommy and daddy.let's be honest here, it does not happen in the real world.
in the real world some people are nice, some stab you in the back and some only know the word "me".
these days dating and marriage are so complicated. in our parents day you got the ring, the marriage license, the house, married and moved in and had a life together. today you need 2 or more months salary for an engagement ring alone, a prenup so what yours is yours and his is his, the wedding planner, the aids test, and the next 30 years salary for the down payment on house you need big enough so the bill for the decorator is worth it.
when did getting married get so complicated?
we want it to be perfect like we were told as little girls, but nobody ever warned us that one day you could think you were having the perfect life and one day your spouse looks at you and says i want out. the perfect world is gone.
i have been married for 4 years and as much as i do love ace and he loves me, our life is far from perfect. some days it's down right weird. we fight over all the normal things, money, job, who is doing the dishes, and of course the fight that comes every sunday during football season. then there are the days we fight about nothing but bring up everything that has nothing to do with what we started screaming at each other to begin with.
i can honestly say i married the female version of my self. we both are passionate, want our own ways, we think alike (scary sometimes) and we have a very mixed marriage.
he is catholic, i am jewish, he likes so leave everything all over the house, i am the neat freak, he likes to shout and i do not want any noise, he is the republican, i the democrat,
he is a white sox fan, me, the cubs. you can see where the fight can happen.
this is something fairy tales forget about. sure we compromise, but it takes alot and you have to be willing to work it everyday.
there is no happy ever after. marriage is a consent work in progress. when you take those vows you take them for life. i come from a family, mostly my dad's side, that has a long line of divorces. because of this i try to keep the marriage working because i do not want to follow in my family's foot steps. will i have the perfect marriage, no, but i can at least strive for a good one. it's a more realistic choice in life.

the love of lucky

growing up all i ever wanted was a dog. we could not have one because my dad was a bit scared of them. we had fish instead. they were great, but face it, fish only live for so long. we lived in an apartment when i was little and when we moved to the burbs, we had a condo. still no dog.
i begged, pleaded, anything you could think of to have a dog. the dog never came.
when i moved out i was free to get a dog when ever i want. however, living in an apartment that was not pet friendly and working long hours, killed the idea.
when my sister was dating her husband he had a dog, lucy. she is a beautiful black lab and i suddenly had a "doggie niece". that still did not help the fact i still wanted one of my own.

one day my apartment complex decided to become pet friendly and allow dogs. i began a search to find one. i knew what i wanted too. a small loving dog who was not a big barker.
ace and i had just started living together and decided we wanted a dog. he knew a friend of a friend who had to give her dog up. it seemed that this girl was moving and could not take her dog with and was planning on dumping her dog at the shelter. when we heard this we freaked and i told ace find out what kind of dog and then go get it. lucky came home.

lucky was a year and a half and the cutest little pup i ever saw. i fell in love. what ace and i did not know was that she was also an abused puppy. something said friend did not tell us.
they must have hit her with pillows, belts, new papers, what ever they could find because this little girl was scared of everything. yelling would send her into shakes of terror.
we noticed right away that she seemed a bit slow. ace called this friend to find out why. as it turned out lucky was hit by a car when she was 6 months old and was in a cast for a long time. her rear left leg was broken and had a mental rod put in. she lost a lot of time being in the hospital and the puppy time she should have had, got lost.

lucky was not a happy pup at first. it took a while for her to warm up to us. she did know some tricks. she could shake paws with you, do smooth, a high five and play dead.
her first night with us she was so scared that we took turns holding her and telling her how much she was loved. her previous family kept her caged, and she was ok with that.
she did bark when we would leave her. it broke my heart.
the first time we left her alone was monday july 14th, 2003. we had gone on a friends boat and figured we would let her roam free. she was fed before we left and did her business. we left her out of her "room" or "little house", as we called it, because we felt bad and didn't want her to be barking for hours. we were gone for quite a while and when we got home we found out lucky has a sneaky side. she ate part of a boot, sunglasses, a lipstick, and anything she could get in her little mouth. we also found out lucky will eat and drink anything that is not nailed down. and that her little tummy will reject it at some point.

the following saturday night we took lucky for a walk around the complex. she had just done her business and all of a sudden she took off. mind you she was on a leash but somehow managed to get it off over her head, leaving me with the leash. true to form, i freak and run after her thinking my dog has run away from home. now behind me, totally clueless, was ace.
ace was picking up the poop while having an in depth conversation with his friend who was over. as i was running i literally tripped over my own tow feet. next thing i know i am about to fall down. so what does any normal person do as they are about to fall??? they do something to help break their fall. and i did. i used my left arm and fell straight on to it and broke my entire wrist. i was face down on the pavement. meanwhile ace was running to me having no clue what happen and said pal went after lucky but quickly ran back after ace screamed.
i am laying face down, dizzy and having no clue my self what was going on. i opened my eyes and there is lucky laying down in front of me licking my face with the look of "what's wrong? i am here. i never would leave you."
well, the boys got me up and upstairs, yes with lucky following, and sat me down. by this time i could talk and realized what was going on, and i realized i was in pain and bleeding. ace looked at me and said "holy crap, look at your nose i think it's broken!" i know he has a real romantic side, doesn't he? well then his friend said "dude forget the nose, look at her wrist!"
i looked down and at my wrist and realized i needed the nearest e.r and fast. well, ace is not from the "north shore" so he had no clue where to go, and i am trying to give directions, this is not an easy task as blood is running down your face, your wrist is throbbing, and ace is having a meltdown.
we pull into the e.r. and i am helped out by ace and his friend. this is where their mentality lies at this point: "dude, we might get arrested. they are going to think we beat her up."
ok, granted there was a security guard there, but let's get serious, do you really think that is what an underpaid, tiered, security guard is thinking at 2am???? hell no!!!
we get in and the nurse asks what happen and i tell her. this wonderful woman does not bat an eye. she looks at me and says, " do you need more ice, and can i help wash your face so we can tell where you are bleeding from" so where those two got the idea they could be arrested is beyond me.
the nice nurse tells the doctor what happen and he looks at me, we do the xray thing and result is one broken nose, 5 stitches inside my bottom lip (don't ask, i bite the inside of my lip) and a collapsed wrist and bones. i did a number on it.
after a few days, i get to see the orthpedic doctor. mr. ray of sunshine, tells me it's broken, (no kidding, i knew that and didn't need a degree) and i will need surgery.
ok now i am hopped up on pain killers, ace is still on meltdown mode, and no he does not do well with doctors, hospitals and the words surgery, and i hear surgery? did i hear that correctly?? i did.
3 days later i am having surgery. i have a metal rod and 4 screws attached to but it back together. does that part sounds familiar? yes, my puppy has a metal rod in her left paw too.
i won't bore you all with the rest of details. we now joke that lucky wanted mommy to be like her and have a metal rod in her left paw too. and like lucky, when it's really cold, it hurts.
also ace will tell you part of the reason i fell was that i was wearing 3 inch platform sandals.
note to self: flat shoes when walking lucky or any dog. preferably gym shoes. there is a dog walking shoe etiquette here and thanks, michelle, for telling me after the fact.

now 6 years later, lucky has grown into a beautiful, wonderful, loving, sneaky puppy. she is 7 1/2 and our best friend, only child and a constent source of entertainment. she has endured 3 moves, mommy sick for a long time, daddy's meltdowns, and mommy in the hospital. when i am sad, she sits next to me and cuddles. when i get sick, she stays by my side. and when she wants to play and play rough, she goes to daddy. she really is daddy's little girl too. when they play it is like having a dozen children running around. she has learned love. she also knows she is the baby. our baby girl. lucky is no longer scared of people or objects. for a dog who was scared of pillows and blankets, she gets very upset when you take hers away. she loves everyone and gets very excited to see people. she will bring you a toy to play with and you must play with her. and when people leave she brings another toy. this is her way of saying if i give you a toy you will stay and play with me, right???
you would think she never plays with us. trust me we play. that's how i broke a vase. playing ball in the house.

i think the best lucky puppy story is this.
lucky started sleeping with us in janurary when it was very cold out. she isn't a fan of cold weather. we all went to bed and she would snuggle up and fall asleep. i'm sure she doesn't want you guys to know this, but she snores and very loudly. she would sleep for a bit then get up and take over the couch or go to her room, or her chair or her cornor. yeah she has a lot of sleep places. we would never hear her leave.

this one night she snuggled in and ace fell asleep and i was trying too. i guess she thought we were sleeping so she was about to leave, and turned around. i felt the movement and opend my eyes to see what she was doing. i saw her go to ace and lick his face. then she turned to me and did the same thing. lucky kissed us good night and then went to sleep on the couch.
this is a puppy who is very loved and shows love back. <3

scroll down to the bottom and see.

my rocks

there are 3 people in my life that i love more than words can say and have been my rocks. the ones who have been there for me through everything. the ones who always still love me no matter what stupid thing i say or do. they never bansh me from their lives and never get the credit they deserve.

not that this is in any special order. first is my mom. this lady had been through so much in life and still keeps fighting. i have put my mom through hell since birth. she has taken so much abuse from me that why she still talks to me is amazing. mom's love and law. she has been there for every time i got in trouble, loaned me money, lots of sickness, boyfriends, breakups, deaths, jobs, name it, mom was there. got to love this woman. and i do very much!!!
my mom was a stay at home mom for a while and then went back to work. leaving me alone with my sister. maybe not the smartest idea, but who could afford a sitter? reason why she needed to work in the first place. face it, expenses went up in life and 2 little girls need things. dad worked too. a lot. for as long as i can remember he had 2 jobs. so that left my sister and i alone alot. but when needed, mom was there.

my sister. the next rock. my sister is the strongest of us all. she is very down to earth. thinks sensible, don't sweat the small stuff, holds her temper better than me, and after every rotten thing i ever did or said to her, she still stands by me. sometimes you have to ask why???
but she does.
the first memory i have with my sister, was the day she was born. my mom went into labor and i got shipped off to the grandparents. this is also the first of many traumas in life.
having spent day and night with my parents for, as we have both been told our wholes lives, for 2 years and 10 months to the day, you can see where some problems would occur.
i remember the day she was brought home. we got into my grandfather's car an i remember wanting to hold her. in those days car seats were not mandatory like today. my mom put her n my lap and after a few minutes i decided my sister was too heavy to hold. so mom took her back and home we went.
after a few minutes my parents got my sister settled in her new crib, or i should say my old crib and off to dreamland she went. i thought then we would go back to our little family routine but my grandparents had a different plan. their plan was to take me to lunch so my parents could relax and unpack. my plan was to stay put. when i was told i had to go with them for a few hours i freaked out and refused to leave mommy's side. my grandfather the master or bribes, said he would take me to lunch if i went. like that was going to work. nope, the crying continued. then he said if i go with and stop crying, we could go to the toy store and he would buy me whatever i wanted. i was out the door!! i remember coming home with a little stroller and baby doll. i think i even tried to put my sister in there so i could push her in it. when she would cry at night i would climb in the crib and sit with her.
she is the best. i have done a lot of terrible things to her growing up. but still whenever i needed her, she was there. as we have gotten older we have become better friends and closer. fights are now very few.
when i first found out i was sick she was the first person i told. just talking to her brought me comfort. i could have never gotten through my many surgeries with out her. my sister is the best and if she ever reads this too, she now has it in writing!!!

my husband. after 4 years of marriage i still can't believe those words. how we met and got together is defiantly another story. when we got engaged, we found out i had ms. neither one of us thought twice about it. ok well i didn't. he was on my case to get on meds for it. but i had decided to wait until after the wedding and the move. soon after we got home from our honeymoon, i got very sick. weird pain that came and went. weight loss. name it i was having it. for everytime i was sick he was there. doing whatever he could to be supportive. he never showed me how scared he was. spike ( goes with the how i met him story) did not come from a "professional hospital family" like i did. in our family when a loved one was in the hospital you went, you visit, you took a shift and parked it in that tiny crapped room.
so spike had no idea how to deal with this. but he never let on he was scared. he would do whatever he could to be supportive, loving and helpful. he was put through alot for the first 2 years. 2 surgeries and a miscarriage. some men would have given up, but not him. but he didn't. he fought with me and for me every step. and if anything he loved me more.

without the love and support from all of them, i think i would have given up myself. families and marriages are full time jobs that you have to work on or they don't work. the pay sucks, hours are long but the fullfillment is the best.

vices today vs yesterday

like most people, we all have a vice. some call it a bad habit, some call it a way of life and some just need something to get through the day. and like most people i have it all.
a vice, bad habit (ok lots of them), and i need something to get me through the day.
i live on coffee, pepsi, cigarettes, xanx, and some times chocolate. i know great diet.
the coffee started at 15, and has not stopped since. pepsi was always in my house growing up so i continued the tradition.
as for the cigarettes, well, that started at a very young age. and children reading this i say this : DO NOT START, DO NOT PICK ONE UP, DO NOT GIVE IN TO YOUR FRIENDS AND START SMOKING.
i wish every day i never started. my older cousin and cousin in law were smokers. my grandfather smoked cigars, my dad smoked a pipe and various other members of my family smoked too. granted a lot of the family stopped. but my cousin had not and i spent many family dinners with a ashtray in front of me.
when i was about 12 my grandfather passed away. we sat shiva at my grandmothers, jewish tradition when a family member dies, and well my cousin left his cigarettes out and i took the pack. i can still remember this as clear as if it was just a second ago. i grabbed other cousin who was my age and we went for a walk and lit up. where she got sick, i did not and continued with a habit that i have yet to get rid of. trust me i try to quit. i try once a month. and within a few days i start all over again.

back in the day when mothers were pregnant and we are talking 40 years plus ago, there was nothing about the surgeon general warning mothers not to smoke or anyone else for that matter. there were no warning on alcohol or cigarettes that it could be harmful to you or your child. doctors gave out drugs like candy. now if you see anyone smoking child services are at your door before you give birth, drinking automatically labels you for an A.A meeting and any drug not FDA approved gets you in the slammer for a few days to a year.

my drinking was never cause for a lot of concern, but starting at 9 1/2 is a little over the top.
it started at my cousin's wedding. the groom, same guy who left the smokes out, was making the rounds thanking everyone for coming and he was caring his ever present glass of scotch.
well i asked for a sip and proceeded to drink every last drop before he could stop me. no beer for this girl, i went for the hard stuff and then i proceeded to make the rounds in search of more. i found grandpa with his champagne, dad with a screwdriver, someone else with a rum and coke and finally another glass of scotch. note to anyone DO NOT MIX LIKE THAT!!
i was drunk and i mean really drunk. i had no clue what was going on. all i knew was that i was going to be sick any second. and i was. thankfully my mom, being too concerned that i was sick, did not notice the smell of alcohol on my breath. she just got me into the nearest ladies room and held me while i emptied the contents of my stomach. then of course came the first hangover. in the family picture we too at the end of the night, you could tell i was sick. drunk, no, just sick.

you would think that experience would have stopped me. no. for the next few years long before the legal drinking age of 21, i would sneak a drink. the worst part of this was the fact that i gave my baby cousin scotch too. i was babysitting for the same cousins that got married. the little one was only a few months old and teething. her father had said there was stuff in the bar and wine in the fridge and to help my self. i did. and that night the baby and i were both on the bottle. this is something to this day i feel bad about. and yeah we make jokes about what i did. but it still does not change the fact that i gave an innocent baby who was in pain from cutting teeth a few drops of scotch in her bottle.
if D.C.F.S ever read this i am sure i would be carted away in handcuffs.
i was 15 years old when this happened.
for years after that, my girlfriends and i would get drunk or buzzed on the weekends. we would lie and say we were going to some one's house and ended up in some hotel room drinking or bribing the bouncer downtown to let us in. by that time the law did change to 21 but being the master of deceit i was, i could make the best fake id's. no bouncer ever questioned us. that and slipping him/her a $20 helped too. so we would drink and of course drive home. yeah stupid and dangerous and something i do not recommend. and somehow by the grace of god never get killed or kill someone else.
back then we did not have a law about drinking and driving. that came many years later. when the law was passed it was not as tough as it is now. then it was a fine. pay it, do time in traffic school and bye bye have a nice day. now it's pay a fine, loose the driver's license, do time in jail and of course take some classes.
and of course i did the same thing to my younger cousins. i would help encourage this. they would ask for a sip and i gave them one. they would ask me to buy them a drink, and i did.
how my younger cousins grew up to be the wonderful, smart adults they are today has nothing to do with me. the only thing i can take credit for is that i stopped babysitting and left them to their parents.

so you see how times have changed. would i do any of this today? would i even think about doing any of this to my nephew? hell no!!!! i want him to realize that (if he ever reads this) be smarter than your aunt. learn from the mistakes i have made. if you can do it even a little better than me, you have won the battle. and for the record i do not drink hardly anything anymore. yes i still have coffee, but the rest, due to what this did to my health, not anymore.

the reason why

as i mentioned in the first two post, i started writing this because of a friend who wrote about her life and her quest to have a baby and for my nephew for read about his family.
i will warn everyone again, if you have a problem with reality, are perfect, and hate bad language, then i advise you not to read this. for those who like to hear and tell it like it is, read on and enjoy.

i guess i should start with some "why's" the why i am doing this, besides reasons already written, but because growing up we never really talked about illness of family problems until it was too late. i was a very lucky girl to have 2 wonderful sets of grandparents. my dad's dad died when i was 12 and my mom's dad died when i was in my 20's. i have both my grandmothers until i was in my early 30's. my nephew has only his grandmothers.
he will never get the joy of having grandfathers.
my dad died in 2004. most will tell you it was because of his health problems. i will forever know that he died from a broken heart. his mother died exactly, weird i know, 11 months before him. my dad never got over his father's death in 1982? i think. and then his mother's before him. i still ask why he had to die so young.he had just celebrated his 68th bday when he got really sick the night we celebrated and 2 days later he was in the hospital and next thing we knew, having surgery for a brain tumor. i still wonder to this day if my mom, sister and i made the right decision. i know mentally it was. still a gamble, but we hoped to buy a little more time. a week after surgery he pretty much went south. i think the last thing he said before he could not speak and slipped into his own personal coma, was happy anniversay to my mom. he knew what day it was. they had completed 37 years together.good and bad.
i still have gulit about that. i come from a "professional hospital" family. we visit, we send food, we take shifts, we were always there. i was at my dad's side when he was sick. and there with my mom and sister when he died. but the gulit is there. wishing i could have done more. this is why i say the real world can suck. the worst part is that my dad would never get to see his grandson. after having 2 daughters, he would have gotten a kick out of his grandson. his name sake.
as said dicussing health was like taboo or something. you know don't tell grandma this or no everything is fine. it wasn't until after my grandmother died that i learned my grandfather had seazures. this would have been nice to know a head of time. i want my nephew to know the family does have problems, mentally and health wise.
i have many health issues. chrons, ms, getting near 40 having what i call "40 timmers" or can't remember shit. oh don't worry we will discuss my health later on. but right now we are talking about the reason why my nephew is here.

they say 1 out of every 5 pregnet women will have a miscarriage, 1 out of that 4 will have trouble conceiving, and the remaining will have healthy babies. this is true. my sister and 3 coworkers had healthy babies, my friend have trouble conceiving but finally had her baby and will i guess you know who had the miscarriage. bingo! if you guessed me, you are correct.

i never thought of having kids. let's face it i know i would not be the best mom in the world. my kid would be the reason, detention was invented. but funny thing happend on the way to recovering from surgery, another blog some other time, i found out i was preggers. shocked was an understatment. now what is weird is my sister had also found out she was too.
now normally you don't say anything until past the 3 month mark. well, ace here could contain the joy and told everyone he could think of. personally i think dad invaded his body and that's why it felt the need to shout it out. i told my sister and she was quite. excited i know but hearing this word untter from my mouth was a surprise since i had once said i didn't want any.
my sister is my rock. she has been put though so much with me and still, for some strange reason, sticks by me.
the day i went to the doctor for the first check up was a day from hell. i had a major panic attrack and doc was running very late. yes i suffer from them too. just another thing on the crazy meter, and another blog. the rocket does her ob thing and looks at me and asked who told me i was pregnat. duh!!! let's see what will tell me this a crystal ball, i have e.s.p, maybe 4 home test or maybe it was a blood test from my doctor. take your pick. she the tells me, she doesn't see anything, but that i could have already miscarried, although you think i would have felt that, maybe in the process or there is a fasle test out there and my meds could have swung this test in the wrong direction. ok lady you got your medical degree from clown college or 2 box tops?
she takes my blood and says she will call to let me know. oh yeah now i can go back to work, wait this out and oh yeah how to you tell your husband this? i give him the news and yes he is now upset. great lady for sharing.
to try and take our minds off of this, we go out to dinner after work. doc called in the middle, did i mention the dr rocket had no sense of time?, of dinner. way to go dumbass not i have a dinner i can't eat. she tells me , preg- something, i can't spell let alone prononuce, is way down and i can't not carry a child. well dr rocket already tuned in so can we tell me something i can use here? she tell me it can happen at any time. get home and call my sister who just talked to me and helped making me feel better.
well sure enough by sunday night i am in pain, sick as a dog, unable to move and well you know what's happening. it wasn't until 5 am i finally said something to my husband. so off to the hospital we go. on the way i call my rock. she says she meet us there. i mean someone had to calm and ace sure wasn't nor was i. well funny thing my sister was preggers, i have no clue and find out that the right tube blew and i am filling up with blood and it's in the wrong direction. nothing new since no disease i have has normal symtoms. so my rock shows up and at some point calls her husband. now being on a morphine drip, i am sort of out of it but i realize that she had turned her back and was talking very quitely. note to self blog the morphine. well i go off to surgey, another one, and next thing i know i am missing a right tube and have cyst on the left overy and by the way it's a 50/5o chance that you can carry to term cause the p- hormone is too low. thanks dr rocket for making my day. the whole time my sister was with me she never mentioned what is happeing to her. got to love that girl. she spent the time comforting ace and keeping an eye on me.

it was a month later when i had this strange dream that she was having a baby and it was twins. she calls me and says she had something to tell me and don't be mad. i say your preggers. bing bing, i win the prize. she was and was scacred to tell me.
actually i was thrilled. yeah i did tell her the dream, which did creep her out a bit. and she said yes she was pregs when she was helping me. had i know this, trust me i would have never called her.
yes i was trilled happy and had to ask if it was twins. after the laughter died down she said no and was sure. well i had to ask.

that following march, on easter, and we are jewish, she had my nephew. and i realized why i couldn't have a baby. cause it was ment for her to give birth and to a boy so he can be named for dad.
and because ace is catholic and upset, we named our angel in heaven eliegh.

so this is the reason why.

to vote or not vote yes?

well i still have a job. at least for another 3 weeks. i guess i should explaine this.
i work in a service department and my techs contract is up at the end of this month. yes they are union, lucky me. anyways, they have been going back and forth on this for a few weeks and threating a strike if they don't get want they want. like anyone gets what they want. i want a million dollars but do you see that happening?
well, they voted today and so far it's a yes that they like the new contract, a no on some issues. the "no" get voted on in 3 weeks unless they resolve it before that time.
you would think that fully knowing the time was coming that they would have started this out in say january!!! but noooooo. and they wonder why i call them princesses.

this is why i named this blog what i did. the real world does suck and i know that's a whinny thing to say but it's not all it's cracked up to be and where you learn the basics in school, it does not prepare you for living the life. what i am hoping that my wonderful sister will someday show this to my nephew so he can understand that life is a gift but also so fucking complicated.

first i am doing this because i saw a friend had started a blog. i didn't go looking, but i stumbled upon it while crusing the internet and i was hooked. just like she did.
i read every post she made, and i could not stop reading. i was hooked. somehow it got her through the rough times she was having.
so here i am. not really going through anything bad, unless you count the job i hate but am greatful for. i did promise myself, that if i still have a job monday morning i would only bitch a few times a day. remember i said a few.
right now my worry is sunday 7/26. this is the day my auto techs renew their contract.
the day they need to vote yes and get their asses back to work. not that they are the greatest in the land but hey, they are good guys.
i have been with these guys since girlfriends became wives, wives became mom's and child growing up. so yeah i long time running.
right now i am feeling a bit stresses over this even though everyone says it will be ok. yeah right who are kidding here? nothing is ever ok. something always happens. so excuse if i say horse shit. yeah there will be a lot of words here that shouldn't be but if you are reading then deal with it.

so that is the reason for this blog being started. now the challenge will be, will i be back and will anyone ever see this.