as i mentioned in the first two post, i started writing this because of a friend who wrote about her life and her quest to have a baby and for my nephew for read about his family.
i will warn everyone again, if you have a problem with reality, are perfect, and hate bad language, then i advise you not to read this. for those who like to hear and tell it like it is, read on and enjoy.
i guess i should start with some "why's" the why i am doing this, besides reasons already written, but because growing up we never really talked about illness of family problems until it was too late. i was a very lucky girl to have 2 wonderful sets of grandparents. my dad's dad died when i was 12 and my mom's dad died when i was in my 20's. i have both my grandmothers until i was in my early 30's. my nephew has only his grandmothers.
he will never get the joy of having grandfathers.
my dad died in 2004. most will tell you it was because of his health problems. i will forever know that he died from a broken heart. his mother died exactly, weird i know, 11 months before him. my dad never got over his father's death in 1982? i think. and then his mother's before him. i still ask why he had to die so young.he had just celebrated his 68th bday when he got really sick the night we celebrated and 2 days later he was in the hospital and next thing we knew, having surgery for a brain tumor. i still wonder to this day if my mom, sister and i made the right decision. i know mentally it was. still a gamble, but we hoped to buy a little more time. a week after surgery he pretty much went south. i think the last thing he said before he could not speak and slipped into his own personal coma, was happy anniversay to my mom. he knew what day it was. they had completed 37 years together.good and bad.
i still have gulit about that. i come from a "professional hospital" family. we visit, we send food, we take shifts, we were always there. i was at my dad's side when he was sick. and there with my mom and sister when he died. but the gulit is there. wishing i could have done more. this is why i say the real world can suck. the worst part is that my dad would never get to see his grandson. after having 2 daughters, he would have gotten a kick out of his grandson. his name sake.
as said dicussing health was like taboo or something. you know don't tell grandma this or no everything is fine. it wasn't until after my grandmother died that i learned my grandfather had seazures. this would have been nice to know a head of time. i want my nephew to know the family does have problems, mentally and health wise.
i have many health issues. chrons, ms, getting near 40 having what i call "40 timmers" or can't remember shit. oh don't worry we will discuss my health later on. but right now we are talking about the reason why my nephew is here.
they say 1 out of every 5 pregnet women will have a miscarriage, 1 out of that 4 will have trouble conceiving, and the remaining will have healthy babies. this is true. my sister and 3 coworkers had healthy babies, my friend have trouble conceiving but finally had her baby and will i guess you know who had the miscarriage. bingo! if you guessed me, you are correct.
i never thought of having kids. let's face it i know i would not be the best mom in the world. my kid would be the reason, detention was invented. but funny thing happend on the way to recovering from surgery, another blog some other time, i found out i was preggers. shocked was an understatment. now what is weird is my sister had also found out she was too.
now normally you don't say anything until past the 3 month mark. well, ace here could contain the joy and told everyone he could think of. personally i think dad invaded his body and that's why it felt the need to shout it out. i told my sister and she was quite. excited i know but hearing this word untter from my mouth was a surprise since i had once said i didn't want any.
my sister is my rock. she has been put though so much with me and still, for some strange reason, sticks by me.
the day i went to the doctor for the first check up was a day from hell. i had a major panic attrack and doc was running very late. yes i suffer from them too. just another thing on the crazy meter, and another blog. the rocket does her ob thing and looks at me and asked who told me i was pregnat. duh!!! let's see what will tell me this a crystal ball, i have e.s.p, maybe 4 home test or maybe it was a blood test from my doctor. take your pick. she the tells me, she doesn't see anything, but that i could have already miscarried, although you think i would have felt that, maybe in the process or there is a fasle test out there and my meds could have swung this test in the wrong direction. ok lady you got your medical degree from clown college or 2 box tops?
she takes my blood and says she will call to let me know. oh yeah now i can go back to work, wait this out and oh yeah how to you tell your husband this? i give him the news and yes he is now upset. great lady for sharing.
to try and take our minds off of this, we go out to dinner after work. doc called in the middle, did i mention the dr rocket had no sense of time?, of dinner. way to go dumbass not i have a dinner i can't eat. she tells me , preg- something, i can't spell let alone prononuce, is way down and i can't not carry a child. well dr rocket already tuned in so can we tell me something i can use here? she tell me it can happen at any time. get home and call my sister who just talked to me and helped making me feel better.
well sure enough by sunday night i am in pain, sick as a dog, unable to move and well you know what's happening. it wasn't until 5 am i finally said something to my husband. so off to the hospital we go. on the way i call my rock. she says she meet us there. i mean someone had to calm and ace sure wasn't nor was i. well funny thing my sister was preggers, i have no clue and find out that the right tube blew and i am filling up with blood and it's in the wrong direction. nothing new since no disease i have has normal symtoms. so my rock shows up and at some point calls her husband. now being on a morphine drip, i am sort of out of it but i realize that she had turned her back and was talking very quitely. note to self blog the morphine. well i go off to surgey, another one, and next thing i know i am missing a right tube and have cyst on the left overy and by the way it's a 50/5o chance that you can carry to term cause the p- hormone is too low. thanks dr rocket for making my day. the whole time my sister was with me she never mentioned what is happeing to her. got to love that girl. she spent the time comforting ace and keeping an eye on me.
it was a month later when i had this strange dream that she was having a baby and it was twins. she calls me and says she had something to tell me and don't be mad. i say your preggers. bing bing, i win the prize. she was and was scacred to tell me.
actually i was thrilled. yeah i did tell her the dream, which did creep her out a bit. and she said yes she was pregs when she was helping me. had i know this, trust me i would have never called her.
yes i was trilled happy and had to ask if it was twins. after the laughter died down she said no and was sure. well i had to ask.
that following march, on easter, and we are jewish, she had my nephew. and i realized why i couldn't have a baby. cause it was ment for her to give birth and to a boy so he can be named for dad.
and because ace is catholic and upset, we named our angel in heaven eliegh.
so this is the reason why.
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